I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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