I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
