so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
