Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
