I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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