matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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