We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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