after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm too high and old for this...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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