someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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