A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
