i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
