Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You need Xanax blowdarts
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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