opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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