i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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