overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize