Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
