my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
