I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
