I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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