I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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