All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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