I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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