So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
