he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
