Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
