You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sext me about skeletons
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
