What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize