Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
