I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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