I wish I could punch you in the face.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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