I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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