I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
