but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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