Sponge bath it is.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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