I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
