The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
