i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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