We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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