I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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