apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
