Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
