Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
