the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's official drugs can't kill me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
