she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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