I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize