don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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