Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
