you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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