Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need a beard to bite.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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