Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
