I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
