Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
