Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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