You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
