my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
