I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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