Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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