We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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