god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
