So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
